Doc. No. 272

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When the children were small, their father would tussle their hair before he left on a business trip and would tell them "Dad will be back soon" knowing that no matter where he went in the world, whether Japan, China, or Europe that the trip back was only 12-18 hours maximum. One of the problems of being in business was indeed the trips but to keep the lifestyle that the family was living he had to work hard. Memberships in country clubs, new cars, trips, and upscale houses don't come cheap and can't be maintained with an 8-5 job.

Later would come a move to a better climate (Scottsdale) and less time on the road. The children were going to school, events, and dad was working from a home office so he could be depended upon to drive carpool or to go to a school event. The children would still remember though that at one time he had been a traveler 50% of the time but dad now was mostly sitting around the swimming pool or on the telephone when they were at school.

Then a divorce occurred. The businessman didn't see it coming. He kissed his wife of 13 years, took his bag and got on the flight to Tokyo. His wife that morning, after sending him off on his business trip, went to a fancy attorney's office and signed the papers for a divorce action she filed. In addition she signed papers which were filed with the court asking for temporary orders for sole custody, all checking and savings accounts to be locked up, and possession of the house. She signed the papers for the husband to be met at the airport to be served. She then went and transferred $40,000 from their savings account into her own new acount to weather the divorce time before the courts ordered the split up of assets. All of this was unbeknownst to the husband/father who was just arriving in Tokyo. When he called home, no one answererd. He thought it strange but went to sleep. He tried again the next day and still no answer. Finally he called his mother-in-law and she told him that his wife had decided to divorce him and didn't want to talk to him. She finally did talk to him but only to tell him to leave her alone.

Two days later, after 4 days of no sleep, his business trip was over and he flew home to see what was happening. Being a suburbanite husband/father he had no idea what divorce was about but he would soon find out. When he got off of the plane in Phoenix a man in a red coat walked up. The father-husband thought that America West was giving him an award but in reality he was getting served divorce papers. He called his bank, Northern Trust, who admitted that they knew this was happening but had neglected to inform him but were now required by law to keep the money from either party (later he was to learn that this wasn't true but by then he didn't care). Home he went but nothing he could do could stop the divorce so it went on. He can still remember the day when he tussled his kids hair and drove off, never to return to the family home again as a resident...their little eyes and faces reflecting my pain and theirs and somehow he said "Don't worry-Dad will be there for you."

Then he moved for business 1300 miles away to run a company. His kids flew to see him every month and he to them also. He learned to talk on the telephone and kiss them goodnight. He learned to make their life together in a hotel room or a rental car, with McDonalds as their refrigerator. With 4 years of custody battle (his ex was trying to get sole custody) he learned to put a happy face on when he was with the kids, after having endured 3 or 4 hours in a courtroom hearing himself described as a man who didn't love his children by the ex's attorney or professional witness. He learned how to appear happy when his heart was heavy with the knowledge he might lose access to them.

Now 7 years later his kids are older teenagers. His oldest is starting college this year and they still have some distance from each other but it is better - he prays they have a chance to get closer as she is starting her life on her own. He doesn't see the kids as much - they have boyfriends, girlfriends, school, activities, parties, but they all try and that is what life is about.

For you see, I am the father from afar. Not by choice but by circumstance. Fathers from afar must learn how to hear what is not said, feel what is not seen, and say what should be said. Fathers from afar must learn to take verbal hits from those they love because they don't always understand why he is afar. But like a person in a wheel chair, we must live with our handicaps and get on with life. I have loved my kids from afar most times and up close sometimes but always in my heart and that is what counts in life for me.

Dean Hughson, ASK THE DIVORCED GUY, Email: